So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Pooping to opera.
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