saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
