He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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