On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
