I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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