At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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