also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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