Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
