I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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