I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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