3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
