Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
