she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My penis needs a shock collar
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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