there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
