dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
