Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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