Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
