The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
