Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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