I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
