Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just had sex bonerless
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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