Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
