im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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