Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
