I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cut my penus on the lid.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
