I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
