I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
