Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
