Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
