In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
