Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
