so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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