hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
there is glitter all over my balls
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
