listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
