so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
