I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
