Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
