Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
