I met the friendliest cop last night
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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