I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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