so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
