im six kinds of drunk right now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I could fuck to npr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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