i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
