I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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