so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
