Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Couch. On fire.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
