I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
being pregnant is like rehab
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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