Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is there bacon in the couch?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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