He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
