Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
