can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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