how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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