what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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