just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
