I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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