Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
