If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
