Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
