Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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