if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
barbara walters just said penis...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
