so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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