I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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