I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
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I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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