I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
